Is there something wrong with me?

I’ve been liking this guy for the past few months now (4-5 months since March). His name is Reginald. Ok to begin with I have no fucking idea why I even like the dude. I ask myself, is this love? Or is it just because I’m fascinated by him and see him as a subject for psychological experimentation, ok maybe not but what if its only because I think of this life like a case analysis and that’s why I am drawn toward him? But why him? Why not someone else?

Let me describe his attitude for you yeah? He’s Quiet, rarely talks to anyone unless that person is his close friend. He doesn’t establish eye contact, specially when I talk to him. He seems shy. Its just, this guy isn’t really popular at school, he’s the kind who would just blend in the crowd. I’m the total opposite, I’m loud and I stand out in ways that isn’t really that good because somehow I have developed the reputation for being “WEIRD”. No one likes being with the weird girl…

And blam! Thats where all the feels begin. Is there something wrong with me? Am I ugly? Undesirable? Am I… What is it? What is it that people hate about me? Okay… Maybe its because I’m annoying? Regi called me that. He called me annoying. So yeah, I swore never to engage in lengthy conversations with him again. Even if I sorta like him, even if its painful steering yourself away from someone because they don’t like to be around you.

Am I too much to handle? Am I… just… not good enough? Am I… Disliked? Am I… Unwanted? Am I… Shameful to be with? Am I?

*Sigh*

Is there something wrong with me? Do I need to change? I have been trying! FOR FUCKS SAKE I HAVE. And its seems like nothing is changing, I’m still me. I’m still the person people don’t fancy being acquainted with. Its painful. That’s why I hate liking someone I just fucking hate it. It crushes my inside like a hammer to a glass figurine.

The resolve about arthur

I knew I said I wanted another chance with him but the longer he is gone the more I actually value my freedom. My freedom to talk to whoever I like and do whatever it is I like.  He came back asking for another chance once and I refused. I cant anymore. If he’s still the person he is then no. If he can’t control his anger and his mouth then no.  I’m happier without him than with him. Being with him was just like a security thing, it made me feel secure. But being in a relationship shouldn’t be like that. So yeah :3 no more.

It’s Over, Me and Him

so one day he comes over telling me “Greatzel, I’m calling this relationship over” it was so sudden.

It was on a monday night, on that friday he went to a tour for his class about aeta something, then when he came back on saturday night he didnt talk to me… He ignored me like I didnt exist…

Then on monday night he suddenly said that…he also said that he would block me from everything… therefore no communication…

He promised not to leave… but he said he doesnt love me anymore. That… is till dont believe…

But according to his conversation with Ivan, Arthur really lost his love for me… so… whats the point of staying if he doenst love me anymore? I’m shattered, I feel so… unmotivated… I lost him… The person I gave myself to… now he took me, and left me with nothing… I feel worthless like Im nothing…

He broke up with me using realyl mean words… like..

“I dont love you anymore”

“I want to get rid of you”

“I dont care”

I dont know why…

 

Its either he was trying to protect me from something or he finally decided he didnt love me anymore… and foud no practical reason to stay…

 

If I had one more chance, one more choice, I want to be with him again…

I love him… I feel so empty now that he’s gone.,.

I cant believe i did this i hope he’ll forgive meT n T

Today it was his competition on his cheerdance, he worked so hard for it… earlier that day i was thinking about how the conpetition was going along… but later today is gonna be the wedding of my cousin, i got excited and was preoccupied of what i was gonna wear, after that instead of talking to him… spending time with him… congratulating him for a job well done.. all i did was plau custom game vs AI as ezreal in LoL… T n T i was i sensituve and  uncaring.. such qualities a bad girlfriend is.. i shouldnt have made him feel alone… i shouldnt have done that… ever… i dont want to loose him… i love him so much..
But i neglected him… fuck i want to hit myself…

She’s better than you

Maybe he’s right… She is better… What am I anyway? I’m just a bitter insecure girl.

I’m no one… I’m ugly, stupid. I lack common sense. Who would ever love me till the end?

Will he? Maybe, Maybe not.I’m too much… I’m not worth the trouble… I’m not anyone special…

I wish I could escape and disappear, I wish I could just dissolve into the air.

No one will me anyway… I’m just another garbage left to decompose in the earth…

Maybe… They had a chance together… Maybe… its not me… Maybe he loves her…

And not me after all…

She’s better than you

She’s better then you
That’s what he said
It rang in my ears
Until they bled

Not just my ears
But so my heart
Pained and bleeding
The most difficult part

Maybe I was wrong
Maybe I was right
Whatever is which?
It’s dimming my sight

As everything darkens
My soul begins to churn
I lose my sight to darkness
And then take the wrong turn

I toss my life away
As you have tossed mine
At deaths door I await
Until it is my time

I’m tired of being ugly

Lets just face it, I try to deny it to myself
Try to be confident wherever I go
and I try to look presentable and pretty

But fact is I’m not. I feel really ashamed when
I go out to places, because I feel like even if
I tried to look pretty, I’m just not…

Because thats the truth…
I feel sad…

-sigh-

Ugly

I’m a psychology major

That’s really hard to believe… since… I’m like this…

The very thing I regret

My birth…

I need something…
But its something I don’t have myself…

Who I really am

I don’t know…

Every time I think that they spend a lot of time together…
Every time I remember they are with each other now…
Every time I think how she bad mouths me when he’s around….

i knew my dreams were telling me something… And as usual my dreams came true…

Is it possible for me not to get jealous?

Along with this jealousy is this extreme self esteem issues I have…

She’s pretty
She has dreams the same as his
She was/is special to him
She is rich
She had a relationship with him
She is well known
She is good in games
She has somewhere to go in life

I don’t have any of those

Why would he even love me? I’m pathetic.

I’m ugly
I suck

Everything I can do she can probably do better…

All this is eating me up alive.

I remember seeing those teenagers who feel hopeless in life, those people who can’t handle life anymore, those people who commit suicide because they think they’re nothing, they think they’re useless and feel like they’re not worth it

I never realized I was one of them, until last night, he told me all the times he hanged around with her, going to their house, going out together…

Almost instantly I think of my flaws, I think that I’m not really someone worth fighting for.. he can just replace me in a snap with his ex… they hang out a lot anyway…

It hurts, It really hurts…

I wish I had something to be proud of

of myself

What else do i need to achieve to get there?
I cant stop crying…